Rumpleteazer AKA 'Allo...
by Sean Bean Rocks my Heinz
Summary: Yes, another fairy tale/Cats monstrocity. Truely the worst thing I have ever passed off as my own creative genius, but to get you in here...A TESTUBE OF THE EBOLA VIRUS TO EVERY READER! All shall be explained when you click the little link...


Rumpleteazer AKA 'Allo  
  
Alright! I KNOW Weirdling already done a Rumplestiltskin/Cats cross but I already started writing this and our storylines take very, VERY different twists...for a start, Weirdlings has a storyline....  
I hope you all enjoy my flatulence, and may the bird of Paradise fly up your nose.  
  
A long long time ago, dinosaurs ruled the earth. Then, the will of God or perhaps that giant flaming comet killed them all.  
  
Now we are at present day.  
  
Once upon a time, in a rubbish dump far, far away, there was a poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato who had a beautiful daughter called Mungojerrie. The poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato was very proud of her.  
  
One day he boasted to the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases, "My daughter can spin used kitty litter into catnip."   
  
This pleased the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases, for he too was a stoned old druggie.   
"If your daughter can do this, bring her to me and I shall see for myself."  
  
So the poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato went home and told his daughter to wear her most lovely and feminininine dress and cum before the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases.  
  
The old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases took the boy to a room in his castle that was filled with used kitty litter.   
  
As he showed him the spinning wheel in the corner he said, "Spin this used kitty litter into catnip in the next four seconds or you shall have to listen to my stories of the old days....oh how well I remember being alive..."  
  
The poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato's daughter sat on the stool and began to munch at the used kitty litter as the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases spoke.  
  
Suddenly, the door creaked open and a strange little cat appeared.   
  
"What will you give me to spin this used kitty litter into catnip?" asked the deformed little cat.  
  
"I'll gladly give you all my children."   
  
"Jerrie....no..."  
  
"Alright...umm....how about some used kitty litter?"  
  
"Gonnae naw dae that?"  
  
"Well....umm....what abooout.....umm....this.....collar..."   
  
"Finally found your script?" the little deformed cat asked, slightly annoyed as she looked at the festering mess of recycled toilet roll the author told them was a script....oh no wait...it WAS.  
  
The small deformed cat began spinning and the used kitty litter....was still used kitty litter. After nine thousand odd failed attempts, the cat finally called some workies to take the used kitty litter away, and bring in catnip, and when the freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases lived again and saw the amazing spectacle, he became very greedy, and took Mungojerrie and this deformed new friend he had aquirred, and all the workers into an even bigger room filled with piles and piles more used kitty litter than before (It wasn't difficult, for the freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases, also suffered a certain excessive looseness of the bowels - WINK)  
  
"By sunrise all this shall be catnip..."  
  
Once more the poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato's daughter died while the deformed little cat and all her workers got busy...then brought in truckloads of catnip.  
  
"What will you give me this time?" asked the deformed cat, handing Mungojerrie some toilet roll. "YOU DON'T EAT IT YOU IDIOT!!!"  
  
And so, the only script the entire cast AND author who only had a memory span of....'allo! What are you doin' here? ...oh yes...the entire cast and author were clueless, and after beating Jerrie to death with sharp pogosticks, faced *dun dun dun* IMPROVISATION!  
  
"I will....gladly.....give you.....this.....sharp pogostick...." Said Jerrie, pulling an object out of his small intestine.  
  
Once more the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases blinked and shooed everyone away to a larger room filled with....umm.....'allo.....  
  
"If you have not spun this into catnip by morning, I shall 'allo you and make you my queen."  
  
"Oi! I KNOW that wasn't in the script before!" Jerrie wailed, clawing at his own eyes.  
  
"Oh I knoooooow....but you're just so....RUGGED!" purred the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases.  
  
"Noooo!" Jerrie cried. "I don't know whether to kill myself...or go bowling..."   
  
The deformed little cat asked "What will you give me now?"  
  
"Umm....four and a half years of sexual favours...."  
  
"No, Jerrie....just no....if you don't leave me alone, I'll go find someone who WILL!" she warned.  
  
"Oh...well....umm...what about....ummm....my ridiculously large-"  
  
"JERRIE!"  
  
"What?" asked the poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato's daughter. "I was GOING to say 'left toe'" He explained, pulling a ridiculously large and somewhat oversized left toe out of his pocket.  
  
"Ew! That's mingin', ya bastar'!" cried the deformed freak, who now had a Glaswegian 'allo. "Look....jus' gimme yer first kitten, a'right?"  
  
"...fine...BUT I WON'T ENJOY IT!"  
  
  
By sunrise the used kitty litter was catnip and the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases married the poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato's daughter.  
  
The happy old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases had a baby boy - although don't ask me 'allo, because no one dared to question 'allo or 'allo his 'allo with such 'allo.  
  
But by this 'allo, Jerrie was attempting suicide on the three second 'allo, the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases had already eaten the baby, the poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato had been eaten the the old freak of nature suffering Palsy and several other sexual diseases, and the deformed little cat was about to go 'allo.  
  
So she 'allo to Jerrie in an 'allo at 'allo and 'allo she 'allo said  
  
"Look, Jerrie, all you 'ave ta do is say my name an' then we can escape 'allo for ever and 'allo and 'allo and GONNAE NAW DAE THAT?!"  
  
...how?  
  
"JIS' GONNAE NAW?!"  
  
sorry...  
  
"OCH! Aye, yer ALWAYS sorry! Dae ye never think aboot this things? Ye are sooch a-"  
  
'ALLLLLLOOOOOOO  
  
"AAAAAAAAARGH! Look, just tell me my name." raged the deformed 'allo.  
  
"Your naaaaame....hmmmm....." the poor stoned old freak-faced druggie with flaps for armpits and a face like a melted potato's daughter pondered and pondered and 'allo until he died a lonely death.  
  
"I've GOT it!" he declared, triumphantly. "It is: RUMPLESTILTSKIN!"  
  
Teh diformde kat sighed at her brothers incompinetnce nd at hte aww-thors hroible smeling 'allo.  
  
"No, Jerrie...my name is not Rumplestiltskin....that is so cliché..."  
  
"Oh...but....it goes so well! I mean, listen!" he began singing "Muuungooojeeerrie and Ruuummplestiiiltskiiin we're a-"  
  
"Jerrie! My name is not Rumplestiltskin!" snapped she-who-is-not-Rumplestiltskin.  
  
"But...you're a fat little freaky dwarf an-"  
  
'Allo.  
  
"WHAT?!" The fat little freaky dwarf 'allo leapt for Jerrie neck, claws 'allo.  
  
"TEAZER, NO!" he yelped, dodging out of the way.  
  
"What did you say?" she asked, feeling a glimmer of hope.  
  
"Nothing, I didn't say anything, Teazer."  
  
"You SAID it!"  
  
"Said what?"  
  
"My NAME!"  
  
"...what name?"  
  
"The name with the POWER!"  
  
'Allo.  
  
"What power?"  
  
"The power of VooDoo."  
  
"Who do?"  
  
"YOU DO!"  
  
"...do what?"  
  
"YOU SAID MY NAME!" she yelled.  
  
'Allo....Mr Bowie....Mr Lucas....I'M 'ALLO!  
  
"I didn't say anybody's name."  
  
"Yes you did!"  
  
"No, Teazer, I'm very sorry, but I don't know what your name is."  
  
"You said it again!"  
  
"Said what, Teazer?"  
  
"YOU SAID THE LAST HALF OF MY NAME, YOU IDIOT!"  
  
"What....do you mean 'Teazer'?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"Yes what?"  
  
Teazer thought for a minute. "Oh Mungojerrie?"  
  
"Yes, Teazer?"  
  
"DAMMIT! I thought if I said your name, you'd say mine."  
  
"What? You mean 'Rumpleteazer'?"  
  
At this the little fellow flew into a wild tap dance across a light paper floor that was paper and made of 'allo.  
  
"THANK YOU!", she shrieked, and stamped her 'allo so 'allo that she fell through the 'allo 'allo 'allo and disappeared forever.  
  
"Umm.....Teazer?"  
  
The 'allo, and now: 'allo!  
  



End file.
